its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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