i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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