she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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