There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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