I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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