At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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