Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
