Got a toothbrush?
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
