I could make wine with my vomit
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
