I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
