i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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