You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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