so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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