wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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