On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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