It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Panties = found
Randomize
