Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
