Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
COCAINE IS GR8
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
