Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Barsexuality is the new black.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
