"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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