one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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