I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize