Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
