is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ladies don't puke and tell
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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