Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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