I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
