you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
