I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
