So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
