Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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