So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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