Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the day after is always just damage control
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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