My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
