i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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