I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
