Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
