Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
