I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
