Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
