And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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