We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
