i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize