He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
