I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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