Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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