Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
