Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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