yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
