I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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