Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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