i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize