so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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