I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
