Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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