Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
