I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
