So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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