Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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