My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found the puke drawer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
