just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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